Friday, April 4, 2014

When things happen that we don't understand

Right after the accident, lots of people had lots of advice for me.  What I should do, where I should go, who I should talk to and even WHY it happened.  Many people said that they didn't understand why God would do this.  I myself even questioned Him, once or twice.  But overall, it was my belief that God did NOT do this, cause the accident, make me lose my girls, make my world turn upside down.  I believed that the enemy did this, and that Jesus, from the moment it happened, carried all three girls into Heaven. 

Fast forward 2-1/2 years...my feelings of Jesus carrying the girls have not changed.  I have said it before, I know that the girls are in Heaven and I will never, ever doubt that.  But now, I DO believe that God did this.  Let me explain....

Our time here on earth is planned.  It has been planned before we even existed.  If we are quiet and still and LISTEN, we will know without a doubt, what God wants from us while we are here.  Our time on earth was never promised to be permanent.  He knows how we will spend each and every day!! There is nothing we can hide from Him, because he already knows

God gave us the power of free will.  And, like most people, I fight it on a daily basis.  I get angry, I deny it and I fight with fists balled on what has already been planned for me.   If my day doesn't go as I had planned, I get upset.  I have had moments where I have asked God why, and have thought that for some reason, something I have done wrong in my life, from birth to now, that I deserved this.  And then there are days when I am thoughtful, grateful and accepting.  Each day is never the same and HE KNOWS THIS.  There are times we question why people were taken away so soon, why suffering happens, sadness, poverty, death, anger, war and so on. Why I went from a little family of 5 to a family if 3 in one day.

Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that God planned for me to be a mom of 4 and I believe that He saved my daughters from something far worse.  From something that I am not sure they, or I, would have been able to handle.  He also knew how I would handle life after losing them and he gives me grace.  He weeps with me and holds me on those days where I cry like a baby. He knows exactly how I feel, because He lost his son too

I will never know while I am here on earth, the reason why my girls are gone. But I WILL have answers in Heaven, I will see them again and only then will it all make sense. Until then, I will believe that there is and was a reason.  



Monday, March 10, 2014

Sixteen today...

Happy Birthday Gabi!

Today you would have been 16...as I got your brother ready for school this morning, I thought about what you would be like today if you were here.  Would you have asked me if you could skip school because it was your birthday? Or would you have said "Let's go get my license" before school?  Or would you have been excited to go to school on this day?

If I could, I would let you do all of the above.  I would let you skip school and I would take you out to lunch, just you and I, like we used to do when you were little, and you wanted to stay with me when your sisters went to your dad's for the weekend.

I think back on the road trips that we would take, you were game for anything, as long as we were all together.  You kept us entertained on those trips and made us laugh.  You asked silly questions and always acted bigger than your age.  I miss your little hand in mine, with those big brown eyes and beautiful smile. I miss when it was just your sisters and I out in this world.

As you got older we fought, but I am pretty sure that was to be expected between mothers and daughters.  We disagreed, we argued, we cried and were confused about our roles.  Even after raising 2 teenage girls before you, I still didn't get it right.  I hope you knew that despite all of that, I loved you.  I hope that even though we were at odds most of the time, that deep down you knew that I would always be there for you and have your back.   I hope you always knew that I would fight for you and for what was right, even if you thought I was wrong at the time.

Thank you for the 13 years we had together.  I would not trade any of it for the world.  Because of you, I learned to love more and fight harder and not back down.  Because of you I held on a little tighter.

I hope today that you are looking down and are proud of us.  I know that you are making the angels laugh in Heaven.

Happy Birthday my Gabi Goose.  I wish I could hear your laugh again and hug your face.  I know you have it way better where you are and having a birthday fit for the daughter of the King.  I love you more than you know....


Love, Mom