Sunday, March 24, 2013

An Open Letter of Thanks...

Having Daniella and Gabi's Celebration of Life service was one of the most hardest things I have ever had to go through.  I have heard there were over 900 people there, I have heard there were over 1200. I don't know for sure. I heard it was standing room only, but I don't remember faces. I do know that there were people there that loved my daughters and for that I am thankful. 

I am thankful to my sisters and best friend, who had to almost literally drag me out of the house and make me go when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball. I remember being sick to my stomach the whole time. I remember thinking that if I went, it would mean that this whole nightmare was real, that they were really, really gone, and I didn't want it to be real. 

I remember going to the church and our pastor taking us to a room and talking with me. My friend who was standing in the hall and telling me that they will hold me up. I remember the slide show that was shown of my babies and thinking that JUST LAST WEEK they were here. I remember my pastor's wife singing, our youth pastor telling stories, our associate pastor praying.  I remember my pastor not looking out into the crowd and talking to them, but standing in front of me, sitting in front of me and talking to ME, as if it were just us in the room.  I can't explain it, but that gave me comfort. Thank you all for that. 

Thank you to my friends who got things ready for us, the ones who set up the table with the girls' pictures on it. I never saw it, but I was told it was beautiful. Thank you for the friend that arranged the balloons and the friends that handed them out so that we could write messages on them and send them up to the girls. That was beautiful and I know Daniella and Gabi would have loved them.

Thank you to all the people that came up and hugged me and my daughter and son, people from long ago and friends from now. Thank you for thinking of my other children and remembering that they had lost 2 sisters too. 

Thank you to the friend's who opened up their home and fed us after the services. I think it might have been the first time I had ate all week.  

Thank you to my friend who, after everyone left and life had to go on, went to the grocery store for me because she knew how hard it would be for me to go; and for picking me up and taking me to church when she knew I didn't have the energy. To those who took my son to school and picked him up for me. And to those in church who let me cry like a baby, because it was the only place where I felt safe to cry. 

Thank you to my friends who came and cleaned my house and did a "mini-makeover" while we were gone and gave me freshness when we came back. 

Thank you for loving Daniella, Gabi and Lexi. Thank you for loving my family and keeping us in your prayers. 

Thank you...


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I don't really remember much from that first week or much after that to tell the truth. Everything was such a blur...

My sisters, aunt and best friend flew out to be with me. I thank God for them. People drove from 2 or more hours away. People brought food. If something was needed, boom! it was there. Every day there were people at my house, offering things, praying, food, etc. I had never had so many people in my house at one time.  

My pastor came and asked about services. I didn't understand why I had to do this. I was 45 years old and I had to talk about "services" for my two daughters! Are you kidding me? This couldn't be real. I just did this two weeks prior for my ex-husband, and now two weeks, 13 days later!! I was making arrangements for my daughters??  

I think I kind of walked around and talked to people without really "being there," you know? They wanted pictures for a slideshow. Someone else had to pick out the pictures, it was too hard to do. Pictures of my beautiful girls, happy, smiling and laughing and now they weren't here. 

I remember telling him that I wanted him to do the service, his wife to sing with our worship leader, our associate pastor to say a prayer and our youth leader to talk about the girls.  I remember wanting it at our church because I love our church, Daniella and Gabi loved our church, and I remember thinking that for some people, it might be the first time they had ever stepped foot in a church, and I wanted them to feel the love that we did when we were there. 

There was a candle light vigil that week, I'm not sure which day exactly and I don't really know who arranged it.  I remember being there and listening to a lady who was saying things that she was "Gabi's other mother" and that Gabi "lived with them most of the time, etc".  I remember wanting to smack her. Who the heck was this woman?? Turned out she was a mom of one of Gabi's friends and she was full of delusions.  Gabi never lived with this family and Gabi had ONE mom, how dare she?? Especially to say those kinds of things with me standing right there!! This woman made me more upset than the fact that my own mother never came out during all of this, or go to the services, etc.  

But all those feelings went away when after the vigil, kids started coming up to me. Young kids that the girls went to school with.  Some I knew, some I didn't.  Kids crying on my shoulder, sobbing. One boy in particular came to me and I just held him as he was sobbing...God bless him. I know this boy as a jokester, a "cool" kid, and he was so upset, he just touched my heart.  

Kids were shaking from the cold and from crying, and I wanted to hold every single one of them. I thanked them for coming and told them to go home and warm up.   These were kids who loved my daughters and were in shock.  God bless them.  Kids who wrote "D, G, L" inside of a heart on their hands in remembrance.  Kids who made memorial t-shirts and helped with fundraisers.  We have some amazing, wonderful kids in this town and they shined during this time.  

I had my sisters, my best friend and my aunt; I had these kids here and I had my church family and they are the ones who loved on my family and held me up during this time, and that is who I needed with me.  I will be forever grateful.   

Sunday, March 10, 2013

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GABI GIRL!!!

To the girl who came into this world weighing 5 pounds, 
To the girl we named Gabriella, after God's angel,
To the girl with the curly black hair who smiled and laughed all the time, 
To the girl who adored her older sisters and wanted to be just like them, 
To the girl who thought her younger brother was the coolest boy ever, 
To the girl who thought her niece was the prettiest baby ever, 
To the girl who made everyone laugh, 
To the girl who never knew a stranger, 
To the girl who loved God with all her heart, 
To my Gabi Goose, whose time on earth was too short, 
To my baby girl who gives me HOPE, 
To the girl who makes me so proud and blessed to be her mama, 
I love you and miss you every single day and I cannot wait for the day I see you again....
Happy Birthday baby, I love you.