Balloons and Pennies

When Daniella and I first took her dad to the hospital, it was to the emergency department and we were there for almost 12 hours.  Needless to say, it was a long afternoon, evening and very early morning until we got home.  In between waiting for tests to be run, her dad being combative with doctors and nurses and finally getting a bed within the hospital, Daniella and I did things to pass the time.  One of those things were the pennies.

As we were in the ER and waiting, Daniella asked me for all of my pennies.  I asked her what for and she smiled and asked again for all the pennies I had.  I dug into my wallet and purse and gave her all that I had.  "I'll be right back," she said.

Sneaking a peek at her as she walked down the halls, I could see her randomly bend down to put something on the floor and walk on.  She came back about 20 minutes later and I asked her what she did.  She told me, "Mom, everyone needs a little bit of luck in their day, especially here.  I put pennies down so people could find them and have good luck." God bless this beautiful child...

After the accident, the night after the service, my friend and I went to the church to pick up things that were left there.  In the lobby there were random balloons that had been given out and released, that had escaped while they were being handed out.  Different balloons of teal and purple, the girls' favorite colors.  Looking at them made me sad, we had just been here hours ago celebrating their life.  How long would these balloons be up there as a reminder?

We walked to gather the plants and flowers that had been left on the stage.  As we came back through the hallway, there in the middle of the lobby, literally hanging in mid air almost at eye level, was a purple balloon. We all stopped.  I grabbed that balloon and said "Hi Daniella."  I told my friends that I wanted a "sign" from Gabi as well and they all agreed that it would happen in time.  As we were talking again in the lobby, about ready to leave, out of the corner of my eye I see a teal balloon floating downward from the ceiling. Hi Gabi.....

I kept those balloons in my hand as I drove home and put them in my bedroom where I could see them every day.  To this day, those balloons still have air in them.

I started seeing pennies randomly, sometimes 2, sometimes 3, but rarely 1 alone.  I would wake up and 2 or 3 would be in my bed.  I obviously do not carry money to bed and I have no pockets in my pajamas, so how did they get there? We have walked through the store and have seen 2 pennies sitting on top of a TV display, I have seen 2 pennies in my driveway as I walk out to get the mail.  I do not generally put change in my pockets and if I am in the car, I will throw all coins into my purse that is sitting on the passenger seat.  One day I had been running errands and stopped at a Starbucks on the way home.  When I received my change, I remember throwing everything into my purse on the seat next to me.  No change in pockets, no change in console, but in the purse.  I didn't stop again before going home.  Later that evening I went to my car for something, 3 bright and shiny pennies were sitting in the driver's seat....waiting for me.

 Now, the holidays are here.  This will be my 3rd Christmas without the girls and if I had my choice, I would skip everything altogether.  I don't want to celebrate, I don't want to decorate, I don't want to cook Christmas dinner...nothing.  But I do it because I have other children and a granddaughter.

Today my son and I did our last round of Christmas shopping. I tried to make it fun for him (what boy LIKES shopping, especially if it's not for him?), so I promised him his favorite burger joint for lunch.  We walked in and took a booth.  I sat my purse down to the left of me in the seat, never touching it again until it was time to leave.  I turned to pick up my purse, this is what I saw....

I choose to believe these are signs from the girls.  That they are here with me, they are watching over me and everything is all right.  After seeing those pennies today, my attitude towards the holidays changed a little bit. I smiled for the first time in a while and I felt a hug from the girls.  I came home and wrapped a couple of presents.  If I had my choice, I would skip holidays altogether.  They will never be the same ever again. But I believe the girls were telling me to smile, that it will be all right.  To celebrate the season of Jesus' birth and remember that they are with Him. 

Happy Birthday Nani!!

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Today, you would have been 18 years old.  Instead of getting to celebrate this milestone birthday with you, all I have is remembering you and my memories.  I woke up this morning fully expecting to wake up to a gloomy, dark morning to match my mood.  Instead, I walked into the kitchen for my coffee and the first thing I noticed was how bright the kitchen was, the sun shining through the curtains and there was a long beam of sunshine on the floor.

I miss your being, I miss your presence.  While I am basking in the sunlight that God gave us today, I sit in a quiet house and reflect on how being your mom has changed my life forever and how proud I am that God chose me to be your mom.

I remember how quiet you were as a baby and how you would just observe everyone and everything. You didn't talk a whole lot when you were little because you had a big sister who would talk for you! :) But oh, once you realized that you had a voice, we called you Chatty Cathy because you talked so much!!  You would follow your big sister and I around all the time and always want to do what we were doing.  You loved to play outside but would always have a close eye on where we were.

You may have been my quiet one, but when you had something to say, everyone stopped and listened...You were the calm one and the one who looked at everything from all sides before making a decision. You stood up for the right thing and were not afraid to speak your mind when something was wrong. You never let people bully you and if you saw someone hurting, you were the first to comfort them.

I miss sitting in church with you or walking into the store, arms linked together.  I miss watching movies with you and crying at the end.  I miss the way you didn't get a joke until hours later and then would start laughing.  I miss the way you were with your sisters and your brother.  I miss your long legs that would go on for days and the way you were the tallest one in the family. I miss watching you do your hair in the mornings before school and sleeping in on the weekends. I miss how you and your brother would share a bowl of cereal while watching TV.  I miss hearing you laugh late at night while trying to be quiet.  I miss you climbing the tree. I miss you sitting in the middle in the backseat of the car when we went on road trips.  I miss you coming to the living room after your sisters went to sleep, so that you could cuddle on the couch with me.  I miss the way you dragged that futon into the kitchen, because it was snowing outside, there was a fire in the fireplace, and you wanted to watch a movie in front of the fire. I miss how you would play hide and seek with your brother and hide in the closet, then call me from your phone to tell me to let him know where you were.  I miss how when we registered your brother for kindergarten you wrote down your name for "Other Parent" and the way his eyes lit up when he saw you.

I am so proud of you and all that you had accomplished. I know you are also accomplishing great and beautiful things up in Heaven.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I will honor you and the day you were born with happy memories.  Thank you for your sunshine this morning, I know that you were telling me not to be sad on this day.  Thank you for being my daughter and my friend.  I love you Nani....

  

Two Years

Nani and Gab, 

Two years you have been gone.  

I thought I had been doing good.  I thought I was being strong.  Then, the lanterns were lit and your mama broke.  

I hate that you aren't here to see your brother.  He is growing so fast and loves soccer and baseball.  He's been riding a bike without training wheels for a while now and got a new bike for his birthday, which he keeps in the house because he loves it and doesn't want anything to happen to it. (And I let him) :) You never got to meet his best friend, who moved away this summer, but they still remain best friends and  are so cute together when they see each other after a long time.  He is so smart and funny and gets into trouble at school and has an attitude sometimes, but he has such a tender heart and still cries when he sees me crying or when he thinks my feelings are hurt, and he talks with such pride and joy of the different ways he is like both of you girls, telling me "Gabi used to do that," or "Nani and I did this the same."  He loves your niece and is thrilled when she comes over.  They either will play great together or fight like brother and sister.   She is so smart, you would be amazed at how much she has changed.  We have quite the conversations, she and I!!  She is a little sassy sometimes, but that's okay.  Your sister is such a great mom! I am really proud of her and know you would be too.  I like to see them interact together and it makes me sad that you aren't here to see that.  I hate that you aren't here to watch her grow up and see how strong your sister is. 

Daniella, you would be 18 next month, this would be your senior year.  Would you be dating? Or would school be more important than boys? Would you still be doing things that would "look good on your college applications?" I always laughed when you would say that.  I never worried about you, you knew exactly what you wanted to do and you were always confident in that, still having fun along the way. I miss your goofy laugh and the touch of your skin.  I miss you helping me cook dinner and I miss you and Sam climbing in the tree in the backyard.  I miss watching movies with you and the both of us crying during the movie, holding hands and wiping tears away.  I miss going to church with you!! I felt you sitting next to me in church a few weeks ago, were you there with me?

Gabi, in March you would be 16.  Driving and staying out late with your friends.  I worried about you every day and always wanted you to be happy.  I remember when you were little, your sisters were in school and it was just you and mom all day...those were good times.  You helped me around the house, we baked together, we played, read books and created things, just you and I until your sisters came home.  When the bus would get closer to the house, you couldn't wait to run out and hug your sisters! When you were baptized at church, I don't think I had ever been more proud of you.  I remember driving you back to the house in your wet clothes so you could change, I kept hugging you and crying until you finally said to me "Mom, I'm freezing!"  :)

We lit lanterns for you, just a few of us. Did you see them?  One of those lanterns had landed in the trees at the park and when I walked the next morning it was there for me to see.  Was that a sign that you were with me? 

I know you are okay. I have said this before and I will say it again, you have it way better up there than down here.  I just wish you were here...

I love you girls. 

There is a Reason

I went to church, hadn't been in a while, I even procrastinated a little bit, but I went. And I am glad I did. My pastor is a storyteller, he tells the story and then in your mind you think "Oh YEAH!!" You get it. 

He spoke of God's plan, how things happen for a reason. You and I may have a different plan in our minds, this is the way we want to do it, and when it doesn't happen that way you think, "Hey now, hold up! That wasn't my plan!" We fight and fight to turn things around so that it will be OUR way, but in the end, it's always God's way and His plan is always better. Things happen for a reason, and we may not see the whole picture yet, but God knows, and we have to trust in Him. Trust may be a five-letter word, but it's a big and scary word. Believe me, I do not trust easily, but I trust God. 

There is a reason why I was raised by a single mother for most of my life, and there is a reason why when I told my mom I loved her, she responded with "I know you love me, you don't have to tell me all the time." There is a reason my mother did not go to my daughter's service and why she has made the choice to avoid and not keep in contact with her daughters. 

There is a reason why I met by best friend when I was around 13 years old, and she is still my best friend to this day.

There is a reason why when I was 24 and my father was 45 (2 years younger than I am now), he was murdered. 

There is a reason why my best friend here in Missouri was killed by her husband, who will now spend the rest of his life in jail for murdering her. 

There is a reason why I married a bitter, angry and abusive man who was a closet homosexual and ended up dying of AIDS when he was 47. 

There is a reason why I got involved with someone after my divorce, became pregnant and now have been raising my son by myself since he was born. 

There is a reason that I was always a believer, but never was baptized until I was 45 years old. 

There is a reason why I had 3 daughters and a son, and 2 of those daughters passed away in an accident.

There is a reason my oldest daughter had my granddaughter when she was 17. 

There is a reason why sometimes I feel like I do not belong in this town, and there is a reason why I am still here. 

God has a plan. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, but I really do not. I have no idea why He uses me in these situations and honestly, I wish sometimes He would just find someone else.

I am tired. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sin daily and if I had my way now, I would just quietly raise my son and be done with it. I hesitate to look towards the future because I am afraid something might happen.  I worry all the time and I am afraid to step outside my boundaries. I am trying to trust, but it's not easy.

All these things, everything, happens on God's time, not ours.  He has a plan. I don't know what it is most of the time, and one day I will see pieces of the big picture and understand, but right now, I don't know what the plan is. He is preparing us for eternity. If I only can trust in one thing, I will trust in that. 

Senior Year

Here we are again. I have been both anticipating and dreading this year all summer. Since last year, really. Senior year. 

I have spent most of my summer in a depression. People have stopped calling. I don't get invited to places any more or calls for coffee. I have gained weight. I cry when I go to the grocery store and cry throughout most days. I literally get nauseous sometimes when I let it sink in that they are not here. I have slept through most of the summer and I have been to church only a couple of times. I have been hiding. 

Hiding because it is so hard to see these kids sometimes.  Daniella and Gabi's friends. Kids that are sophomores and seniors this year. I see them growing up and I tend to forget who was friends with who, because all I get to remember is ages 13 and 15. When I see Gabi's friends, now 15 and 16, I think that they were Daniella's friends and it takes me a moment to remember that they have grown up. 

Hiding because while everyone else gets to enjoy their kids' senior years, their summers, sports, starting college, etc. I will never have that. Hiding because my daughter is angry at me all the time. Hiding because people have forgotten. 

I have screamed, yelled, cried and kicked things in my frustration that my girls are not here. I feel worthless. I have been stubborn in accepting the fact that this is my life now. I don't want it. I want my girls back. I want laughter in the house again and I even want the arguing back. I want to worry about them when they go out and I want to see the excitement in their eyes when a certain boy talks to them or when they spend the day with friends. I want to wake up their sleepy bodies and tell them its time to get ready for school and then I want to rush around each morning making sure that everyone is ready,  homework is done and everyone gets to school on time. Then I want to do it all again at 3:00 p.m., rushing around to pick everyone up from school. I want to turn back time to when they were little and they still needed me. I want to make their birthday cakes again and I want to watch them as they hit milestones in their lives. I want to dance in the kitchen and laugh at their silliness. I want to see them play soccer and cross country and track and I want to take them to the school early on Saturdays, when it's still dark outside, so they can catch the bus for meets. 

Then reality sets in. I see myself struggling, I see my daughter angry, I see really bad decisions that some of these kids are making and I realize that Daniella and Gabi have it SO much better where they are now. They are always happy, laughing and smiling. Instead of dancing in the kitchen with Mom, they are dancing in Heaven with Jesus. They are beautiful and perfect and they don't have to go through this sometimes ugly world of depression, shame, stress and anger.  They have wonderful, beautiful days EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  As a mom, how could you not want that for your children, knowing that they are in Heaven? How could you not want to do everything you can here on earth to assure that you will one day see them again and they will be perfect? 

2 Corinthians 4:17 "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." 

I am thankful that God lets me be real with Him. I am thankful that He listens when I am real, when I am angry and sad, yelling and screaming and cussing and asking Him why, and yet He still loves me and wants the best for me. I am eager to see the new chapter, the next phase in my life that He has prepared for me, although sometimes I hope it ends soon so that I can see my girls. 

I am thankful that I can turn to Scripture and see reminders of God's promises. 

Psalms 40: 1-3  "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

So here I am, waiting patiently... 

An Open Letter of Thanks...

Having Daniella and Gabi's Celebration of Life service was one of the most hardest things I have ever had to go through.  I have heard there were over 900 people there, I have heard there were over 1200. I don't know for sure. I heard it was standing room only, but I don't remember faces. I do know that there were people there that loved my daughters and for that I am thankful. 

I am thankful to my sisters and best friend, who had to almost literally drag me out of the house and make me go when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball. I remember being sick to my stomach the whole time. I remember thinking that if I went, it would mean that this whole nightmare was real, that they were really, really gone, and I didn't want it to be real. 

I remember going to the church and our pastor taking us to a room and talking with me. My friend who was standing in the hall and telling me that they will hold me up. I remember the slide show that was shown of my babies and thinking that JUST LAST WEEK they were here. I remember my pastor's wife singing, our youth pastor telling stories, our associate pastor praying.  I remember my pastor not looking out into the crowd and talking to them, but standing in front of me, sitting in front of me and talking to ME, as if it were just us in the room.  I can't explain it, but that gave me comfort. Thank you all for that. 

Thank you to my friends who got things ready for us, the ones who set up the table with the girls' pictures on it. I never saw it, but I was told it was beautiful. Thank you for the friend that arranged the balloons and the friends that handed them out so that we could write messages on them and send them up to the girls. That was beautiful and I know Daniella and Gabi would have loved them.

Thank you to all the people that came up and hugged me and my daughter and son, people from long ago and friends from now. Thank you for thinking of my other children and remembering that they had lost 2 sisters too. 

Thank you to the friend's who opened up their home and fed us after the services. I think it might have been the first time I had ate all week.  

Thank you to my friend who, after everyone left and life had to go on, went to the grocery store for me because she knew how hard it would be for me to go; and for picking me up and taking me to church when she knew I didn't have the energy. To those who took my son to school and picked him up for me. And to those in church who let me cry like a baby, because it was the only place where I felt safe to cry. 

Thank you to my friends who came and cleaned my house and did a "mini-makeover" while we were gone and gave me freshness when we came back. 

Thank you for loving Daniella, Gabi and Lexi. Thank you for loving my family and keeping us in your prayers. 

Thank you...

I don't really remember much from that first week or much after that to tell the truth. Everything was such a blur...

My sisters, aunt and best friend flew out to be with me. I thank God for them. People drove from 2 or more hours away. People brought food. If something was needed, boom! it was there. Every day there were people at my house, offering things, praying, food, etc. I had never had so many people in my house at one time.  

My pastor came and asked about services. I didn't understand why I had to do this. I was 45 years old and I had to talk about "services" for my two daughters! Are you kidding me? This couldn't be real. I just did this two weeks prior for my ex-husband, and now two weeks, 13 days later!! I was making arrangements for my daughters??  

I think I kind of walked around and talked to people without really "being there," you know? They wanted pictures for a slideshow. Someone else had to pick out the pictures, it was too hard to do. Pictures of my beautiful girls, happy, smiling and laughing and now they weren't here. 

I remember telling him that I wanted him to do the service, his wife to sing with our worship leader, our associate pastor to say a prayer and our youth leader to talk about the girls.  I remember wanting it at our church because I love our church, Daniella and Gabi loved our church, and I remember thinking that for some people, it might be the first time they had ever stepped foot in a church, and I wanted them to feel the love that we did when we were there. 

There was a candle light vigil that week, I'm not sure which day exactly and I don't really know who arranged it.  I remember being there and listening to a lady who was saying things that she was "Gabi's other mother" and that Gabi "lived with them most of the time, etc".  I remember wanting to smack her. Who the heck was this woman?? Turned out she was a mom of one of Gabi's friends and she was full of delusions.  Gabi never lived with this family and Gabi had ONE mom, how dare she?? Especially to say those kinds of things with me standing right there!! This woman made me more upset than the fact that my own mother never came out during all of this, or go to the services, etc.  

But all those feelings went away when after the vigil, kids started coming up to me. Young kids that the girls went to school with.  Some I knew, some I didn't.  Kids crying on my shoulder, sobbing. One boy in particular came to me and I just held him as he was sobbing...God bless him. I know this boy as a jokester, a "cool" kid, and he was so upset, he just touched my heart.  

Kids were shaking from the cold and from crying, and I wanted to hold every single one of them. I thanked them for coming and told them to go home and warm up.   These were kids who loved my daughters and were in shock.  God bless them.  Kids who wrote "D, G, L" inside of a heart on their hands in remembrance.  Kids who made memorial t-shirts and helped with fundraisers.  We have some amazing, wonderful kids in this town and they shined during this time.  

I had my sisters, my best friend and my aunt; I had these kids here and I had my church family and they are the ones who loved on my family and held me up during this time, and that is who I needed with me.  I will be forever grateful.   

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GABI GIRL!!!

To the girl who came into this world weighing 5 pounds, 

To the girl we named Gabriella, after God's angel,

To the girl with the curly black hair who smiled and laughed all the time, 

To the girl who adored her older sisters and wanted to be just like them, 

To the girl who thought her younger brother was the coolest boy ever, 

To the girl who thought her niece was the prettiest baby ever, 

To the girl who made everyone laugh, 

To the girl who never knew a stranger, 

To the girl who loved God with all her heart, 

To my Gabi Goose, whose time on earth was too short, 

To my baby girl who gives me HOPE, 

To the girl who makes me so proud and blessed to be her mama, 

I love you and miss you every single day and I cannot wait for the day I see you again....

Happy Birthday baby, I love you. 

LOST BY 2....

We had a family dinner that night. The girls' dad had just passed away two weeks earlier and they were flying out to CA for his funeral, where he wanted to be buried.  Their uncle was here to fly home with them. They were 13 and 15. 

I remember going to Lexi's house where no one would answer the door. I remember waiting in the police department lobby alone, waiting for an officer to come talk to me. I remember calling the hospital emergency room, asking if there had been any accidents and being told there wasn't. I remember being told something about 3 girls in a truck, a barn and a fire...the word fatalities. I remember going to my ex-husband's duplex with the chief of police and telling my oldest daughter and her uncle. I remember the officer asking me if I had  family in the area, was there any one he could call? I remember saying, "Call my pastor."

I remember calling my sister in California and saying "my babies" and "I need you." I remember crying in the grass with my pastors, and our youth pastor driving 3 hours back home in the middle of the night after he heard the news. 

I remember not sleeping and having to tell my 6-year-old son that his sisters, his best friends, were not coming home.  I remember my oldest daughter telling me that I needed to sleep and my telling her that if I laid down I would never want to wake up.

I remember people, lots of people, but I cannot tell you exactly who. I remember one of Daniella's best friends coming to me, crying hysterically, and for a few moments I thought she was Gabi and my heart soared. 

I remember coffee and people telling me to eat.  Someone taking my phone from me to answer calls. I remember someone driving me back to my house and my heart pounding as I had to walk into my house, thinking that it would never be "home" again. I remember thinking that surely this was all a dream and that I would wake up and it would all be okay. 

I remember thinking I needed my sisters and my best friend. 

Welcome!!

"DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR JOURNEY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE NEVER WALKED YOUR PATH"

Hey there friend! My name is Lisa, and this is all new to me so please bear with me. I have been told by many friends and family that I need to tell my story, that I have a "voice" and I need to share.  This is my attempt at getting this story out there...

My story is mostly of loss, of confusion, anger, sadness so deep that it hurts to breathe, fear, loneliness and in the end and through it all...HOPE.  Through most of my story I was a non-Christian,  thinking that I could fix it all myself.  Then I became a believer.  And still as a believer, going through the most unimaginable period in my life, that tops all that I had ever been through before, the night my little family of 5 was subtracted by 2, and now learning how to live again without those 2 in my life.  Learning a new "normal" that I never wanted in the first place and still sometimes cannot understand why.  I will never know or understand, but I DO believe that I will understand when I meet my Heavenly Father.  Therefore, I have hope. 

Knowing me, my story or stories will be random, and I will tell my story from where I was at that point in time, a non-Christian versus a Christian.  As a reader, you do not have to agree with me or my opinions, that's perfectly fine, but these are my opinions and I own them.  If I offend anyone at all, it is not my intention, please know that.  

Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey.  I am happy to share it with you and I pray that no one would have to go through a journey like mine.  

Blessings, 
Lisa