There is a Reason

I went to church, hadn't been in a while, I even procrastinated a little bit, but I went. And I am glad I did. My pastor is a storyteller, he tells the story and then in your mind you think "Oh YEAH!!" You get it. 

He spoke of God's plan, how things happen for a reason. You and I may have a different plan in our minds, this is the way we want to do it, and when it doesn't happen that way you think, "Hey now, hold up! That wasn't my plan!" We fight and fight to turn things around so that it will be OUR way, but in the end, it's always God's way and His plan is always better. Things happen for a reason, and we may not see the whole picture yet, but God knows, and we have to trust in Him. Trust may be a five-letter word, but it's a big and scary word. Believe me, I do not trust easily, but I trust God. 

There is a reason why I was raised by a single mother for most of my life, and there is a reason why when I told my mom I loved her, she responded with "I know you love me, you don't have to tell me all the time." There is a reason my mother did not go to my daughter's service and why she has made the choice to avoid and not keep in contact with her daughters. 

There is a reason why I met by best friend when I was around 13 years old, and she is still my best friend to this day.

There is a reason why when I was 24 and my father was 45 (2 years younger than I am now), he was murdered. 

There is a reason why my best friend here in Missouri was killed by her husband, who will now spend the rest of his life in jail for murdering her. 

There is a reason why I married a bitter, angry and abusive man who was a closet homosexual and ended up dying of AIDS when he was 47. 

There is a reason why I got involved with someone after my divorce, became pregnant and now have been raising my son by myself since he was born. 

There is a reason that I was always a believer, but never was baptized until I was 45 years old. 

There is a reason why I had 3 daughters and a son, and 2 of those daughters passed away in an accident.

There is a reason my oldest daughter had my granddaughter when she was 17. 

There is a reason why sometimes I feel like I do not belong in this town, and there is a reason why I am still here. 

God has a plan. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, but I really do not. I have no idea why He uses me in these situations and honestly, I wish sometimes He would just find someone else.

I am tired. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I sin daily and if I had my way now, I would just quietly raise my son and be done with it. I hesitate to look towards the future because I am afraid something might happen.  I worry all the time and I am afraid to step outside my boundaries. I am trying to trust, but it's not easy.

All these things, everything, happens on God's time, not ours.  He has a plan. I don't know what it is most of the time, and one day I will see pieces of the big picture and understand, but right now, I don't know what the plan is. He is preparing us for eternity. If I only can trust in one thing, I will trust in that.