Friday, August 23, 2013
Here we are again. I have been both anticipating and dreading this year all summer. Since last year, really. Senior year.
I have spent most of my summer in a depression. People have stopped calling. I don't get invited to places any more or calls for coffee. I have gained weight. I cry when I go to the grocery store and cry throughout most days. I literally get nauseous sometimes when I let it sink in that they are not here. I have slept through most of the summer and I have been to church only a couple of times. I have been hiding.
Hiding because it is so hard to see these kids sometimes. Daniella and Gabi's friends. Kids that are sophomores and seniors this year. I see them growing up and I tend to forget who was friends with who, because all I get to remember is ages 13 and 15. When I see Gabi's friends, now 15 and 16, I think that they were Daniella's friends and it takes me a moment to remember that they have grown up.
Hiding because while everyone else gets to enjoy their kids' senior years, their summers, sports, starting college, etc. I will never have that. Hiding because my daughter is angry at me all the time. Hiding because people have forgotten.
I have screamed, yelled, cried and kicked things in my frustration that my girls are not here. I feel worthless. I have been stubborn in accepting the fact that this is my life now. I don't want it. I want my girls back. I want laughter in the house again and I even want the arguing back. I want to worry about them when they go out and I want to see the excitement in their eyes when a certain boy talks to them or when they spend the day with friends. I want to wake up their sleepy bodies and tell them its time to get ready for school and then I want to rush around each morning making sure that everyone is ready, homework is done and everyone gets to school on time. Then I want to do it all again at 3:00 p.m., rushing around to pick everyone up from school. I want to turn back time to when they were little and they still needed me. I want to make their birthday cakes again and I want to watch them as they hit milestones in their lives. I want to dance in the kitchen and laugh at their silliness. I want to see them play soccer and cross country and track and I want to take them to the school early on Saturdays, when it's still dark outside, so they can catch the bus for meets.
Then reality sets in. I see myself struggling, I see my daughter angry, I see really bad decisions that some of these kids are making and I realize that Daniella and Gabi have it SO much better where they are now. They are always happy, laughing and smiling. Instead of dancing in the kitchen with Mom, they are dancing in Heaven with Jesus. They are beautiful and perfect and they don't have to go through this sometimes ugly world of depression, shame, stress and anger. They have wonderful, beautiful days EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. As a mom, how could you not want that for your children, knowing that they are in Heaven? How could you not want to do everything you can here on earth to assure that you will one day see them again and they will be perfect?
2 Corinthians 4:17 "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison."
I am thankful that God lets me be real with Him. I am thankful that He listens when I am real, when I am angry and sad, yelling and screaming and cussing and asking Him why, and yet He still loves me and wants the best for me. I am eager to see the new chapter, the next phase in my life that He has prepared for me, although sometimes I hope it ends soon so that I can see my girls.
I am thankful that I can turn to Scripture and see reminders of God's promises.
Psalms 40: 1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."
So here I am, waiting patiently...