Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy Birthday Nani!!

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Today, you would have been 18 years old.  Instead of getting to celebrate this milestone birthday with you, all I have is remembering you and my memories.  I woke up this morning fully expecting to wake up to a gloomy, dark morning to match my mood.  Instead, I walked into the kitchen for my coffee and the first thing I noticed was how bright the kitchen was, the sun shining through the curtains and there was a long beam of sunshine on the floor.

I miss your being, I miss your presence.  While I am basking in the sunlight that God gave us today, I sit in a quiet house and reflect on how being your mom has changed my life forever and how proud I am that God chose me to be your mom.

I remember how quiet you were as a baby and how you would just observe everyone and everything. You didn't talk a whole lot when you were little because you had a big sister who would talk for you! :) But oh, once you realized that you had a voice, we called you Chatty Cathy because you talked so much!!  You would follow your big sister and I around all the time and always want to do what we were doing.  You loved to play outside but would always have a close eye on where we were.

You may have been my quiet one, but when you had something to say, everyone stopped and listened...You were the calm one and the one who looked at everything from all sides before making a decision. You stood up for the right thing and were not afraid to speak your mind when something was wrong. You never let people bully you and if you saw someone hurting, you were the first to comfort them.

I miss sitting in church with you or walking into the store, arms linked together.  I miss watching movies with you and crying at the end.  I miss the way you didn't get a joke until hours later and then would start laughing.  I miss the way you were with your sisters and your brother.  I miss your long legs that would go on for days and the way you were the tallest one in the family. I miss watching you do your hair in the mornings before school and sleeping in on the weekends. I miss how you and your brother would share a bowl of cereal while watching TV.  I miss hearing you laugh late at night while trying to be quiet.  I miss you climbing the tree. I miss you sitting in the middle in the backseat of the car when we went on road trips.  I miss you coming to the living room after your sisters went to sleep, so that you could cuddle on the couch with me.  I miss the way you dragged that futon into the kitchen, because it was snowing outside, there was a fire in the fireplace, and you wanted to watch a movie in front of the fire. I miss how you would play hide and seek with your brother and hide in the closet, then call me from your phone to tell me to let him know where you were.  I miss how when we registered your brother for kindergarten you wrote down your name for "Other Parent" and the way his eyes lit up when he saw you.

I am so proud of you and all that you had accomplished. I know you are also accomplishing great and beautiful things up in Heaven.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I will honor you and the day you were born with happy memories.  Thank you for your sunshine this morning, I know that you were telling me not to be sad on this day.  Thank you for being my daughter and my friend.  I love you Nani....



  1. Beautiful! Thank you for allowing this to be a public post. It is so real. Just like you. Thank you for not giving in to the pain,the bitterness,the anger that feels like it has no safe place to go. I am so thankful for a heavenly Father that says, Take it out on me. I understand, I have you. Come, raw honest and let's hash this out. Then allow yourself to remember and celebrate the gift while you had." I remember beating the crap out of A book I was reading weeping in anger because I didn't want to have to remember. I wanted them in my life that minute. So thankful for a God who wants us in honesty, not pretending everything is ok. Just because things arn't always ok doesn't change our faithful God, as a matter of fact, it proves Him. Love your honesty. Love the beauty and gift of who you daughter is to all who had the joy of knowing her! Thanks again for this post.